BEHIND THE PAINTINGS
Stories
STORY #1 - IVAN
Amor Pasajero - Amor Verdadero?
- Piensas que lo nuestro es Amor?
- Crees que el amor pasajero es verdadero?
- Es que los pasajeros somos nosotros, por ser viajeros, no el Amor
- Pero el Amor también - porque lo llevamos en nuestro corazón

Loving & Living on the Road

Relationships and traveling don’t really go together. Especially when you travel is not really a travel anymore. It’s rather “living on the road” lifestyle, when you change your location every couple of months. Those “living on the road” have their own way and speed of doing everything, which is not to be modified due to “love matters”. Due to anything, actually.

After doing it for a significant amount of time by yourself, you can hardly imagine modifying your route based on that of another person. Not only would it seem like too much dedication and exposing feelings (considering that you just recently met), but it would also kill a very necessary need for doing what you originally planned. There are things you want to learn, places you want to know, and defining them based on availability of another person is not an option anymore.

Regardless of how much happiness you get from this freedom, it still feels sad. Possibility to spend more time with people you “fall for” starts to depend on how much your paths accidentally cross. However, the need to be loved and give love is still there. And you start to explore and stretch those rigid definitions of love and tight frameworks of human relationships, which were dug deeply into your consciousness and unconsciousness, by and from the society you are in.

What love, you might wonder?
Love in any of its forms, in any way of expression, of any intensity. The one, which is not defined by the amount of time spent together (what is time anyway), or by devotion, by strange promises to be by each other's side until death comes by, by your past, present or future lovers, by chances to stay together in the same time and space.

But that one love, which makes you feel happy and amazed
by the beauty of the world, people and life.
Amor Verdadero. Oil on canvas, 80x80cm, 2024. "Intimate Space" series.
The love, which doesn’t need to be destroyed once the object of love is not nearby,
or when he is not giving his love to you anymore.

The love which nurtures, shines through, that reminds you about the meaning of everything, that fills you up, makes you create, learn and explore, moves you and makes you happy.

The one that teaches you to appreciate every moment together,
because tomorrow you could be apart.

The one that shows you that it’s infinite, and endless.
Click to see more paintings here
Columbia, 2017

The more indifferent is the target, the more interesting is the hunt.

Diaries 2017

Attraction. Starting from a seed of attention, this feeling can grow big, up to an obsession. The more indifferent is the target, the more interesting is the hunt. This time he was from Mexico. With big eyes, defined jaw line, long eyelashes, directed down, long black straight hair, falling wildly over his face. Maugli. For some reason, tattoos over his hand looked so hot. There was strength and power. He seemed to be a lonely wolf, walking on his own, with his own rhythm and pace. So near and so far away, with his soul shut down for strangers when it comes to personal things. He seemed shy at times, and even interested at other moments, but most of the time, he was just indifferent. Without a single question or curiosity about my figure.

I tried it all - I tried to get closer, I tried to have deeper conversations, I tried to be nice, but at any moment I felt like he paid more attention to any other woman but me. Balancing on the borderline of jealousy and unconditional love, I tried to enjoy all the emotions crushing in waves. Just embrace this "love" or "desire", without thinking whether it's shared or not, and send warm vibes of love and care, while being near.

Three days at the national park were another hope to get closer, but he always kept himself busy with something else. Of course, he was wise and grown up, caring and responsible. There was no rush, no doubts, no uncertainty. With two feet firmly on the ground, roaming around the earth for 6 years, he seemed to be so stable and rooted - much more than anybody with a fixed career, pay check, a car and a house.
He has been nice to everybody, which made it impossible to decode his preferences in women. It seemed like something was going on between him and Lou, but then she was around with Juan. He was circling Carmen, flirting with Maya, and ignoring me, jaja. A day on the beach, cooking lunch before the trip to Tayrona, hunting for entry bracelets, rainy afternoon on the beach - all moments alone looked rather like investigation sessions than conversations, even though we talked about interesting things. Me, trying to come up with "non-cliche" questions that would make him talk, and him, even though replying extensively, never taking an initiative.

- "What would you take on the island?", asked Ule.
- "A boat", said Ivan.
- "And I would take Ivan", said Andrej, "because he has the boat", jaja.

Of course, you would take Ivan anywhere. It's the type of person you want to have around. He fished in the national park, made fire, cooked fish for dinner, fixed the shelter during the rainy night, taught Ule to "don't be a dick". He carried peace and stillness and wisdom with him. I tried to steal as many opportunities to look at him as I could.

“Everything you know about love, it is not that.
There are no rules. You can't understand it. Just live it, feel it"

Diaries 2017

It’s our last night at the hostel. I finally drink some alcohol after a two month break, flirting with anyone I can - especially Leo, a strange German boy, who is definitely into me, distinctly from Ivan who is anywhere, but around. I remember sitting on someone’s bed with Leo at 4.30am, leaning briefly to rest and then waking up in a dark room while he was giving me a massage. Did I like him? I was rather craving for love and a hug while sleeping, and one kiss was enough to kill the curiosity to continue.

I got up at 8.30 finding out Ivan was sleeping on a bunk bed above us. Omg.

The only thing I could think about this morning, is that Ivan would wake up earlier, so I could take a picture of him to be able to draw his face. While waiting, I wrote down a note for him, but he didn't get up. Looking for a place to leave this note in his room, I suddenly saw the curve of a girl's hip in underwear rising over his body, and he was moving his fingers gently over her back.
What? When? Why? With Lou?

I decided to not look for answers. How great that I wrote this note before seeing them together. So I left it anyway in his shoelaces, and wrote a more sincere and direct message while on the bus. In the end, my shame won't matter in time, everything won't matter in time, even a feeling itself. So, while it still matters, I better talk about it, letting words warm up and light up his day. Who doesn't like to be loved? In hard moments I remembered and blessed anybody who gifted me love and adoration for no reason.

Now or Never” moto reminds of itself - how could everything go, if I would be more open, if I would only say something about how I felt.

... to be continued.
If you liked the story, send it to someone who needs a bit of love today!
Want to know what happened next?
Get an update when a new story is published.
A little bit of love twice a month.
A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Intimate Space Series

Intimate Space is an autobiographical series of paintings exploring the theme of intimacy, belonging, self-worth, fears and emotional landscape in relationships. In the center of my artistic investigation lies a question:
"What stands in a way of us experiencing love freely?"
See paintings here